People hear “low demand parenting” and jump straight to, “So you just let them get away with everything?”
I hear what you are saying. Yes, there are things that aren’t okay. Yes, our girls need to learn how to navigate the world. Everyone in our house deserves to feel safe.
But raising our 13-year-old and 15-year-old girls has taught us that the usual advice about consequences and being firmer doesn’t always gel with the children in front of us.
We tried it. What we found was more distress, more arguments and more reactions from everyone involved. That isn’t a healthy way to function as a family. I understand why people suggest being firmer, but when we are the ones living with the fallout, we have to question whether that advice actually fits our girls.
We had to learn to see the world through our girls’ eyes, hearts and brains. We had to adjust ourselves, our expectations and the way we approached them.
And yes, that takes work. A bloody lot of it. Some days I wish there was one approach we could rely on, because constantly adjusting is exhausting. But wishing it was easier doesn’t change what our girls need.
What is actually going on here?
It is easy to see the swearing, the refusal or the anger and decide that is the problem we need to fix.
But what happened before that? How many demands have there been? How much noise? How much talking? How much have they already had to manage?
Something can look small to us and feel enormous to them.
The PDA Society explains that demands can become overwhelming even when they involve something a person wants to do, and that capacity changes.[1] So being able to do something yesterday doesn’t settle the question of whether they can manage it today.
Adding a consequence doesn’t automatically make that thing easier. It doesn’t hand them the understanding, energy or skills they need in that moment.
I am talking about our girls here. Children with autism, PDA, ADHD or anxiety aren’t all the same. There’s no one shoe that fits all, and there isn’t one approach that fits both of our daughters either.
Yes, we swear in our house
Swearing is okay in our house. They are just words.
I swear. They hear it on TV, YouTube and from other kids. It is hardly surprising that they question why adults can use that language but they supposedly can’t.
What we teach is that there are places where we can’t use it. You need to think about where you are and who is around you. Language that is fine at home won’t be appropriate everywhere.
We also talk about how we speak to people. Words can hurt depending on how we use them, and that matters too.
For us, that makes more sense than turning every swear word into another argument.
Before I make something a battle, I need to ask myself how important it actually is. Is someone being hurt? Is there a safety issue? Or am I digging my heels in because I have decided this is how things should be?
There are things we need to act on. We still have to keep people safe. But we can look closely at the expectations we have added on top of that.
The pecking order isn’t working
“Because I’m the parent” might end a conversation for some families. It hasn’t helped ours.
Our girls want a say. They want to understand. They want us to listen, including when we don’t like the answer.
Trying harder to establish who’s in charge just gives us another argument to get through. I don’t want our relationship with the girls to become a constant fight over who gets the last word. We all have to live with how we treat each other afterwards.
We are still the adults. We still have responsibilities. We can carry those responsibilities while treating our girls as people whose opinions and experiences matter.
The National Autistic Society includes collaboration, reducing demands and adapting support to the individual among approaches that may help with persistent demand avoidance. It also acknowledges that the research on support strategies is limited.[2]
We have to keep paying attention to what helps our own family.
Sometimes we need to check ourselves
Reading Kristy Forbes’ reflections on PDA and parenting made me think more about this: how much of feeling like a good parent gets wrapped up in whether our kids do what we tell them?
That is uncomfortable to sit with.
We hear, “You’re giving in.” “They need consequences.” “I wouldn’t allow that.” And suddenly we’re questioning everything.
But another person’s opinion doesn’t tell us what our girls can cope with that day.
I need to be honest with myself. Am I asking for something because it matters, or because I’m worried about how our family looks? Am I trying to help, or have I got stuck on needing to win this particular argument?
We can call something a boundary and still need to examine why we put it there.
That goes for the choices we offer too. If I ask, “What do you think?” but will only accept the answer I wanted, I haven’t left much room for their input.
Our girls need genuine options. That means I have to be willing to adjust as well.
Know when to stop talking
Imagine being told “no, no, no” all day. Then being reminded of every single thing you got wrong.
It is soul destroying. Nobody wants to live with a running commentary on their faults.
Sometimes “What about…?” or “Do you think…?” gives us a better way into a conversation. Sometimes even that is too much.
Learning their cues means noticing when the talking needs to stop. I can have a perfectly reasonable point and still choose a terrible time to make it.
The PDA Society’s guidance on distress includes calm recovery spaces and recognising that a quiet presence can sometimes help more than more interaction.[3]
We don’t have to sort everything out while everyone is upset.
Yes, I get angry too
I’m not going to pretend I calmly float through all of this.
I get tired. I get frustrated. Yes, there are things that upset me and I will be angry. Sometimes I react in a way that adds to the whole situation, and I have to be honest about that too.
Then I need to step back, breathe and think about my behaviour as well as theirs. Once we’ve had some space, I go back and apologise. I try to explain what I meant in a different way.
Then it hurts my heart, because I love these girls and I know they are having a hard time too. I can be upset about what happened and still care about what they were going through when it happened.
But beating myself up endlessly doesn’t help me repair it. This is another part of Forbes’ piece that stayed with me: we need some compassion for ourselves while we take responsibility.
I can say, “I raised my voice. I’m sorry,” and let the girls have their feelings about that. They don’t need the extra job of reassuring me that I’m a good parent.
I want them to know that getting something wrong doesn’t make them unworthy of kindness. I need to practise that with myself too.
Tomorrow might need a different approach
Something works today and you think, thank goodness, we’ve found a way through it.
Then tomorrow comes and it doesn’t work.
That’s exhausting. We are forever learning and adjusting. The PDA Society’s parenting guidance also emphasises flexibility and considering which expectations are essential.[4]
Sometimes we can offer help, try later, make something smaller or bring in a bit of humour. Role play may help explore a situation if it makes sense to the child and they want to take part. It won’t suit everyone.
What works for our 13-year-old may not work for our 15-year-old. They are sisters, not the same person. Each deserves an approach that takes her needs into account.
We all have to live in this house
Our needs matter too. Parents need rest and support. Everyone in the family needs care and safety.
I don’t want to dress this up as easy. It can be hard, stressful, heartbreaking and bloody tiring.
But our girls are living it as well. They aren’t sitting outside the difficulty while we do all the hard stuff. Their experience matters, even when we don’t fully understand it.
We want a safe space for them to be who they are. We want to help them learn without making home a place where they are constantly corrected, pressured and picked apart.
So yes, we adjust our expectations and the way we approach things. That doesn’t mean every decision is right or every day goes well. It means we keep looking at what is happening, take responsibility for our part and try to find a way through without all the nastiness and negative responses.
Fighting fire with fire hasn’t worked for us. We have had to get honest about that and change what we do.
It’s not their fault that some things are harder for them, and struggling with this doesn’t make us bad parents either. This is our family, these are our girls, and we are still learning how to make life work for all of us.
